Mac Life

November 24, 2010

I’m scared these days but not in a hide-under-my-sheets kind of way.  Though sometimes my sheets feel like the only place to find solace, I’m going head to head with a much more sophisticated fear — a grown up fear, a fear of change.  The same fear that keeps 30 year old men under the wings of their gullible mothers, the fear that prevented Big from walking down the aisle with a Vivienne Westwood clad Carrie, the fear that kept Erykah’s boo treating her like shit before he placed that call to Tyrone.  It’s metamorphic.

Spending my tech life looking out of a Microsoft window, the decision to switch to the Mac lifestyle seems trivial.  What seemed like a simple transition, now, seems more like an analogy for personal evolution and a commentary on fear.  An operating system is akin to life’s comfort zones.  Purpose and love became subsystems of myself I felt I mastered to the best of my ability given the context by which I learned them and I was certain that I knew them like the back of my hand.  It was a world I could click through with as much ease as a start menu.  Getting a Mac, fearfully changing that system, didn’t mean abandoning the foundation of self I had developed.  It was merely giving it another medium to help develop it more.

I have to keep learning this system, navigating myself to absolute familiarity.  The people in my life, much like the programs I use regularly, become welcomed fixtures in my life.  Ex’s are often thrown in the trash while some manifest themselves into documents I keep but never open and a select one or two become important and functional immediately upon startup.  Career shifts and life relocations share similar fates.  I now operate in life under what I think is the best system of myself, a completely different system than I first began with.  I just need bettering.  With every romantic misstep or life detour I get updated to a stronger version of this operating system that I finally feel is a proper vessel for my success.

With each update comes the same sophisticated fear though, the fear of changing in order to become equipped for possible system failures when everything seemingly feels fine the way it is.  Moving into employment, becoming emotionally and romantically respondent, making sure that I make the people I love the people that I compliment, are legitimate fears but I’m hopeful that if I don’t master it now a subsequent version of myself will get it right.


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